Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
