I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
