he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
