i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
