When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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