Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
