she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
