I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
