i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
