i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
