the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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