I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
