my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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