last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
