I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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