if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
