I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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