Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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