Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
