from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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