Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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