final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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