I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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