he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
