To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
