I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
