it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
pop tarts are not kleenex
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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