dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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