You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize