You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
