I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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