You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
