someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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