Umm I'm too high to move.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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