My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
