Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
