I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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