I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
