I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
