I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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