respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize