sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
