Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
