I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
