where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
