I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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