my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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