Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
