That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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