Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Ketchup is God's man juice
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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