I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
