i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
