Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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