just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
