Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
