what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
