sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
