he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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