i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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