Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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