dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
