'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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