ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
