Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
