I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
