hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
