I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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